


BAAHHHHHB-SHELLY’S BEEN STOLEN!

by Howdafloof



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: An old lady gets her handbag stolen if thats any help, Ashe has a fursona, B.O.B is a silent cinnamon roll, Bars has to deal with morons, Crack, Seriously-this is OOC to the heavens.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 09:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18363359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Howdafloof/pseuds/Howdafloof
Summary: Ashe, who had been sat on one of the couches now stood rigidly upright. Her tablet was clutched in a white knuckled grip and her face was frozen in a look of fury.Not even noticing the audience behind her, she pulled the tablet down and barked at Bob, who was calmly cleaning the rec room table.“BAAWWWBBBB! Mccree’s got her! Mccree’s got Shelley! He says: ‘If you ever want to see your precious Fursona again, bring 1 million dollars to the diner first thing in the morning!...”As Ashe was busy reading from her tablet, the Omnic butler had noticed the four horseman of the ‘soon to be dead if Ashe found them listening’. He desperately gestures to shoo them followed by a throat slitting gesture that had the four recoiling and turning to exit-“HOLD UP”The sound of viper being loaded had them figuratively shitting themselves.The deadlock gang learn about Ashe’s secret.





	BAAHHHHHB-SHELLY’S BEEN STOLEN!

**Author's Note:**

> So hello-I took a break from writing DBH because thankfully its grip was releasing on me and I had been working on and off on this for several months.
> 
> As usual dont be scared to drop a comment or ask some questions.
> 
> Anyway-enjoy!

The diner isn't the fanciest place on earth, far from it if you actually care about your surroundings while you eat and what’s on your plate.

However to young (Lol jk she fuckin olldddd) Ashe, outlaw, badass and the melodramatic embodiment of ‘family problems’ it was pretty much home.  
She and her crew from down under (they lived in a cave under the base) normally visited when they had a less busy day or had just finished a successful heist.  
It was unknown who the owner of the diner was-however they could sit through the railway literally next to the diner being blown up along with its 10 carriages of cargo plummeting to the road and shaking the diner without making a peep.

Anyway, today was one of the days where Ashe and co were happily sat in the diner, Bars had gotten his first successful shot off in a while and as such had managed to graze the skin of an old lady. The old biddy had dropped her purse in shock, believing it to be the ghost of her dead husband. While she was busy shouting at the sky, Ashe shot by and snagged the purple fashion disaster off the ground. 

There most successful heist in a while. This led to the current scene of the triplets, Bars and Ashe sitting in the diner with Bob waiting outside, ranting in their awful accents about how they were such badasses.

Now-you may be thinking-what exactly caused the term ‘successful heist’ to turn from wrecking a weapons shipment to stealing an old lady’s purse?

Well there was a simple answer for that:

Jesse Mccree.

After Ashe had been forced to ride the payload all the way to the base (a scarring thought for most DPS players by itself) she found out the true answer to why Jesse Mccree had been at Route 66.

He had stolen her Fursona.

Yes, Elizabeth Calamity Ashe had a Fursona.

It’s name was Shelly the sheep.

For many evenings with her door guarded by her faithful robotic servant, she had pulled on her costume, gotten on her hands and knees and lived the life of Shelly. Eating eating rice paper grass, drinking from a little plastic trough going “Baa” quietly every now and agin.

Yes. She had it all.

But that sheep stealing ‘Meanie beanie poop head’ in Ashe’s words had ransacked the base and stolen her precious Fursona.  
Upon discovering the extent of the damage, the badass leader of the Deadlock gang had proceeded to go into extreme shock, shit herself, then cry for several hours.

While Bob consoled Ashe, Zeke, the oldest triplet had been left in charge.

The blued eyed rebel had somehow gotten into a territory war with the kitchen toaster and lost within 15 minutes of getting his position. Bars had quickly recommended the leadership be handed over to the next triplet.

Terran broke down on the spot and began screaming about ‘pressure’ and how ‘he could never live up Lady Ashe’s standards’.

Before P.T. Could even get a look in, Bars declared himself the new leader and spent the time until Ashe recovered in sleep mode.

After getting a prescription for PTSD medication, Ashe returned to active duty, however any big job now reminded her of Mccree and her poor Fursona. As such the gang had to stick to smaller jobs while Ashe’s medication worked its charm.

“Gosh Ashe, that was some nice running you did there!” Terran complimented his boss as he sipped his triple shot extra skinny double chocolate vanilla latte.

“Well thanks ya’ T-Not only did we get 60 dollars from her purse, but we got a picture of a cute dog-I’m thinking of making him the gangs new mascot”

Silence ensured.

“I know you guys are nervous, but I’m pretty sure ‘Fluffles’ would look pretty badass on our bandanas-right guys?” Ashe asked, showing the picture of ‘Fluffles’ falling down a fight of stairs.

“Um, well Ashe-what’s wrong with our current logo?” P.T. Asked nervously.

“Well ya see it was made aggeesss ago, like when Deadlock first came about..when we had-“

Before she could even finish the sentence, Bars was pulling out the emergency supply of meds Bob had given him in case he wasn’t around to subdue Ashe himself.

“Mc-“

Bars dropped the meds.

Ashe’s eyes dilated, her hands clenched into fists and her face scrunched into a look of pure rage.

“REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!”

Ashe’s scream echoed throughout Deadlock Valley.

However before the woman could yank out Viper, Bars had plucked out a pill, slammed it into his bosses mouth and jabbed her throat forcing her to swallow it in surprise.

Ashe turned on the bot for a brief second before her eyes softened and a dopey smile appeared on her face.

“Thank you...Bars...let us join hands and become one with our Fursonas”

The diner went deadly silent.

Before the doped up leader could reveal any more secrets, Bars was quickly pulling her out of the booth.

“Let’s get you to Bob Ashe, you...need ...sleep?” He trailed off lamely before yanking her towards the door where her faithful Omnic butler was standing guard outside. Upon shoving Ashe on Bob and telling him she needed to go home, the Sniper stalked back to the table and looked the triplets in the eye on by one.

“Not a word of this-ever!” He harshly whispered in his synthetic voice.  
All deadlock members agreed to never bring up the subject on Ashe’s Fursona again.

Unfortunately Jesse MCcree had different ideas.

Not a week later at approxiamatly 2 in the morning, the base was awoken by What had to be Ashe’s loudest scream ever 

“MMMCCCRREEEEEEEE!!”

Bars, who had been in sleep mode at the bases table, reared up so fast he slammed his head on the wall behind and nearly blacked out.

Zeke practically vaulted out of bed, only to crash to the ground as his muscles failed to compute with his awakened state.

P.T. Scrambled madly before rolling into his bedside table, sending it toppling with him.  
Terran managed to jump up, but ended up tangled in his sheet and ended up running blindly into his door.

Finally the lackeys managed to simultaneously stumble into the rec room where Ashe, who had been sat on one of the couches now stood rigidly upright. Her tablet was clutched in a white knuckled grip and her face was frozen in a look of fury.

Not even noticing the audience behind her, she pulled the tablet down and barked at Bob, who was calmly cleaning the rec room table.  
“BAAWWWBBBB! Mccree’s got her! Mccree’s got Shelley! He says: ‘If you ever want to see your precious Fursona again, bring 1 million dollars to the diner first thing in the morning!...”

As Ashe was busy reading from her tablet, the Omnic butler had noticed the four horseman of the ‘soon to be dead if Ashe found them listening’. He desperate gestures to shoo them followed by a throat slitting gesture that had the four recoiling and turning to exit-

“HOLD UP” 

The sound of viper being loaded had them figuratively shitting themselves.

Considering the males had only white boxers between them and Ashe’s gaze, they severely hoped it was figurative. 

The four turned back to Ashe, raising there hands in defeat.

“How much o’ that did you boys hear?” Ashe all but growled.

The humans quickly turned to Bars who was a good talker. Said omnic went for the truth “Nothing we did not already know” the synthetic speech came out evenly.

“WAAAHHHTTTTT!?” Ashe screeched, her grip tightening on Viper. Bars quickly began running analysis of how likely it was for Ashe to fire Viper on her trigger pressure, heartbeat and emotional tone.

42%

“You mentioned Fursonas at the Diner when I had to um, force feed you your medication-“

65%

“We apologise for keeping it from you, we did not want you to think that our opinion of you would change from such insignificant information-“

“INSIGNIFICANT? You think my girl Shelly is ‘insignificant?” Ashe snarled, taking a step forward a fully levelling the gun at Bars.

82% and the oil drops rolling off of bars was a solid indication of it. The Omnic was currently wondering why he joined a gang and didn’t go to Nepal to live with the Omnic monks and have a free easy life.

“WE JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY ASHE!” Terran suddenly screeched out, crumbling into a heap of sobs on the shit coloured carpet. Ashe frowned, brow raising as she looked back at Bars who attempted to smooth things out.

“It-it’s true-your so damn good at this...heist thing-“ holy fuck did he always melt this fast under pressure?

“WEEE LOVE YOU AASHHHEEE” came Terran’s snivelling input. 

Somehow the lanky man had a heart of onion, and Ashe was obviously staring right at his heart, and THAT was obviously why her eyes were filling with tears.

“OH GGGAAAWWWD-AH MISS HER BARS, AH MISS MA SHELLEH-SHE WUD DU ONE WHO DUN KEEP MEH SANE AFTER MUHCREE DONE GONE WID DEM POWLICEMUN!” Ashe finally broke down and began screaming her woes at the smaller Omnic of the group.

Bars couldn’t move. No, he literally was using 97% of his processing power to try and figure out what Ashe was saying, her accent got thicker when upset and the drama with Shelly was putting Ashes accent into deep molasses mixed with drying superglue thickness.

“WUHT DU AH DU BRRRRZZZ!?” The near hysterical women sobbed. The sniper finishing up translating her most recent outburst about 10 seconds later.

Oh fuck-what did they do? Bars turned to Bob who just shrugged, nearly taking out the ceiling lamp as he did so. 

Well, desperate times call for desperate measures and he turned to tweedledee and tweedledum, the remaining triplets who weren’t emotionally compromised. “Guys, what the FUCK do I do?!” He whispered in the most confident tone his processor could muster.  
“I say we go to Mccree and kick his stupid ass-he got lucky last time-he had sunlight on his side lat time but we might have a better chance if we fight him in complete dark-” Bars shoved Zeke away, why the fuck did he think a man who lost a fight to a toaster would be of any use in a hostage situation. 

Did a Fursona even count as a hostage?

Since Ashe would probably kill everyone then herself if the costume was harmed then yes, yes it very much did he decided.

“P.T. If you say one stupid thing I swear to god I’m going to shut myself down-tell me you have a way we can get this ‘Shelly’ back without bringing our reputation down to the triplet digit negatives?”

The triplet who normally wore white blinked at him owlishly. “What’s our rep on at the moment?”

“Double digit negatives” bars replied without missing a beat.

“Oh, well..”

 

“What the FUCK was I thinking,-your a fucking moron P.T. You have a moronic name, you look like a moron, your plans are moronic as FUCK-you even sound moronic ‘huehue let’s try a friendly protest dressed as sheep-Mondatta fuckin’ damn it were gonna die!” Bars quietly ranted as he shoved the hood of the costume off of his glowing eyes once more.

So. If not already established-P.T. Was a fucking moron and Ashe would agree to just about anything to get her stupid ass Fursona back-even having the Deadlock gang dress up as sheep and protest outside the diner.

They were going to die. Walking several miles to the diner in the dead of night wearing sheep costumes and picketing the greasy spoon cafe until Mccree peacefully gave up shelly. Luckily it wasn’t that cold but the experience itself was embarrassing enough that if he could sweat, Bars would have overheated by now.

The trip was made in relative silence aside from the fact everyone except the androids had sheep heads on and continued to crash into something every 5 minutes. Funnily enough, seeing through the fabric of a character heads eyes in pitch back was fucking impossible.

Finally the group walked into the Diner. Well, into the side of it. The collective sound of 3 humans one small Omnic and one massive ass Omnic crashing into the concrete wall was enough to send any nearby birds fluttering away.

Their stealth rating had also joined their reputation in the minus numbers.

“Ok gang, get your pickets and start marching: ‘Shelly is the bestest sheep, if you don’t give her ah will weep!”

“Oh we gon’ die” Bars muttered before halfheartedly joining in the picket line.

The mentioned picket line lasted for all of five minutes before Ashe became desperate. She kept tripping up and looking over into the currently dark diner windows. It suddenly occurred to Bars that the message had said ‘first thing in the morning’

It was currently 4am.

Fuck.

Mccree wasn’t even here yet!

Grumbling in his electronic voice the sniper pushed through the other cow costumes until he got to Ashe.

“Ashe! Mccree isn’t here yet we’re wasting time!” He moaned at his boss who whipped her head around looking confused.

“Ah DANG!” She replied, swinging her picket with enough force that it made a resounding whoosh, the burst of air once more shoving Bars sheep head off his face. The female quickly turned and gave a shrill whistle that brought everyone’s attention to her.

“Ok guys-we got a problem-that Sheep snaggin’ ‘Mc dickhead’ ain’t arrivin’ till dawn-we’s all gonna hit the hay while Bars stay’s on watch-ain’t that right Bars?” Ashe announced before joyfully turning to Bars who nodded mutely.

Oh well, spending the next several hours in silence couldn't be that bad.

Unfortunately-unknown to Bars due to the fact Ashe’s quarters were the furthest room in the base-Ashe snored.

Badly.

It was all the Omnic could do to sit on a jutting rock and sigh wistfully while the cliff walls around him shock from the females breathing problems.

“Shudda’ become a fuckin’ Monk.” He mutterd.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, R and R and all that if ya want.
> 
> I am aware the series ‘the lush life’ is missing it’s next entry despite me saying it was coming-its on my phone and I need to get my useless butt together and finish it.


End file.
